i had a post some months ago on the passing of my papa. little did i know that i would be writing similarly about my mother. it still sounds alien to me, but my mother passed away 10 days ago. while she has not been in the best health, these past 10 years, my sister and i often pooh-poohed her claims that she would shuffle off the mortal coil and ignored his lists of instructions on what she should be buried in. we figured her regular visits to cardiologists, hematologists, physiotherapists, gastroentologists, endocrinologists, opthamologists and physicians in general, in various medical facilities in the klang valley was a hobby for her. a lot of times, i thought that she just had trouble accepting old age and the various aches and pains that accompanied the transition.
even when she had been admitted to hospital on the Thursday after Hari Raya, i wasn't too worried since she had been admitted about a month ago and came out better. however the tests and treatments caused her to suffer vomiting, diarrhea, incontinence, fever and shakes. and they still werent able to diagnose her! she even expressed the wish to stop all treatment and go home to die a few times. not being able to accept this, of course we admonished her to be positive and relied on the doctors to heal her. fat chance.
things took a turn for the worse 10 days after she was admitted, when her heart failed and she had to be defibrillated. she was immediately moved to the ICU, when the same thing happened again 12 hours later. this was quite a shock, but the doctors were hopeful of recovery with medication, adjustment of her pacemaker and maybe inserting an mini defib machine. they transferred her to the Coronary Care Unit for observation and medication. After 1 night there, mum seemed to be making a recovery, sitting up and eating and drinking more than her usual barley water. i was encouraged, especially since the Cardiologists didn't seem too concerned about her condition. hopefully she would be out in a few days and the operation which was supposed to cure her fever and shakes would take place.
that afternoon, mum had difficulty breathing and looked pale. she insisted that i leave to collect some records on her pacemaker. when i called the hospital to inform them that the records could have been faxed over if her doctor had just called, i was informed that she had stopped breathing and was on the ventilator. what did this mean? in my mind, i thought that she just needed help to breath and we would just have to wean her off the machine. when i reached the hospital, i was told that her heart had stopped, causing her to stop breathing at the time i called. they had tried all sorts of procedures but could not restore the heart beat. it was a total shock to see her lying there with the tube still in her mouth. only when i realized that all the heart rate monitors and machines had been switched off did it finally dawn on me what had happened. (later i noticed that the monitor at the nurses station had 'no signal' where my mum's vitals should have been).
disbelief, anger, grief all came flooding over me. the nurses and the doctor had to explain what happened a few times. i couldn't believe that nothing could have been done since she was already in the CCU. i shouted at the doctor for sending me on a fool's errand to collect records she could have just rung for, when i could have been there.
my aunt concentrated on me getting the necessary arrangements done. she insisted that i not get any tears on her (?) body and david and my other relatives soon arrived to lend their support.
i am still quite numb although the funeral has taken place. a sense of disbelief and grief hovers above me. but yet i still go on with normal life - laughing and joking sometimes. at times i wonder if i am betraying my mum by carrying on with normal life, but i know that she would not have wanted us to grieve. if anyone had been prepared, it was her - with her lists of instructions on where things were and what she wanted. but still...
i am consoled that: she is not suffering anymore, she is with my papa and that she went peacefully and quickly. perhaps, as some friends suggested, she knew and told me to go so i would not be haunted by the memory of the medics pumping and jabbing and shocking her.
her legacy of her good works in life was evidenced by the dozens of flowers and well wishes received. colleagues from her hospital days attended the funeral, as did many relatives, friends and neighbours. her life was not in vain and i wish her everlasting peace.
